Opening to pain, aliveness

Tonight I read a friend’s blog post where he considered how falling in love, and losing love, can be part of a true life’s adventure. At the risk of misquoting him, I would say that falling in love, and experiencing loss, is about committing to life, and I commented on his post, adding that, “loss is an escapable part of being human; it is also part of the wildness and beauty of life lived with depth, commitment and grace.” It made me think about that idea, of committing to life. Committing to live deeply and openly.  I re-read my own post on loss, which was really about rethinking abundance, written after my trip to Newfoundland – still one of my favourite posts. It hints at coming to terms with the fact that being human means experiencing pain, loneliness, disappointment.  Since that time I have become acquainted with other kinds of loss, trauma, and pain. I’ve gotten to know it better, not just through my own experiences but the experiences of others.  As I’ve written about before, I am grateful and humbled by those willing to open up to me with their pain.

The last year or two of this blog has been set on a mindful theme.  But lately I have blogged less on mindfulness – actually, less in general. It’s because my mind and my energy has been directed at so many new adventures and activities that I have drifted away from mindfulness and become back in the habit of thinking, planning, worrying and problem-solving. Last night I went to a yoga class and slowly remembered – life is in the details, too.  Richness is found in the moments of openness.  And it can be found in pain.  I thought about how open I felt, how attuned to life, after the break-up, when I slowly built my life back after falling apart.  I felt drowned in sadness, and nothing felt stable or sensible.  But there it was, life, opening slowly, just being.  There was an awareness of my own aliveness.

Remember in Saver Queen facts when I said I watched as a man breathed his last breaths?  It’s odd, but during that time in my life, in my early 20s, when I first got to see death, it was as beautiful as it was painful.  I was awake and open and alive, full of attention to the suffering of others. Being awake to another person’s pain doesn’t have to shut us down. It can open us. It can engage us in a universal experience, relate us to other human beings, and bring us present to our own humanness – our own vulnerability.  Our life and happiness is precarious, which makes it tender.

Pain, loss, how desperate it feels. But, how rich. Being open to our pain, and opening to the pain of others, is all part of the commitment we give to life.

Saver Queen Facts

I almost never write posts that are exclusively about me. But when I read the “Whiska’s Facts,” a blog post written by a friend of mine, I felt inspired to do the same.  His post is amazing – a pilot’s license? Cycling in 10 different countries? It’s amazing what you find out about someone from a little list of facts that they choose to share.

Here are some lesser known Saver Queen facts. (Loyal readers may already know some of these.  Others may surprise you.)

Readers take note – I would love to hear from you, too – please share a fact about yourself that we might not know in the comments!

Saver Queen…

- started up her own animal rights organization along with her twin sister when she was 15.

- has hair that has been coloured green, purple, daffodil yellow, yellow with clown-red stripes, burgundy, black, and most recently, black underneath with purple stripes.  It’s been au naturel for the past 2.5 years.

- is kind of a geek. She likes sci-fi and games with expansion packs and loves her mac. She probably wouldn’t date a man who uses a PC or doesn’t like Star Trek and wouldn’t touch him with a 10 foot pole if he didn’t have a good understanding of the scientific method. (Maybe this qualifies her as a bigger geek than she thought.)

- has slept in a teepee on Salt Spring Island.

- has suffered from pretty severe phobias of 3 activities most people do every day.

- conducted 1/3rd of her graduate thesis research in the Middle East.

- sat by a man for hours as he breathed his last breaths and slowly died.

- lived in Oxford, England, studied for a year and participated in Oxford Union debates.

- does not own a television.

- thinks that the Magnetic Fields are one of the greatest bands of all time.

- spent 5 years entrenched in an underground music subculture, planning & going to shows, interviewing bands and co-writing a ‘zine (before the advent of blogs).

- has several secrets that she’ll never share on the blog.

- gets incredibly riled up and starts ranting when anyone mentions anti-vacationist crusaders, cults, or The Secret.

- lives with a chronic disease.

- has a regional circle of friends who are mostly mathematical, theoretical or “recovering” physicists, and hardly any of them are Canadian-born.

- has travelled to, and has friends living in, 11 different countries.

- used to have a boyfriend who is an award-winning Elvis Impersonator who is also 15 years her senior.

- is a somewhat talented artist, a pretty good cook, and a lover of wine, animals, and social justice.

The joy in being alone

I just finished watching Episode 10 of Gail Vaz-Oxlade’s “Princess.” Ever watch this show? I love it. It has a different flair from Till Debt Do Us Part. Gail helps the spoiled Princesses get more attuned to what they want in life and she helps them develop plans that centre around more significant life goals besides just looking good.  It’s interesting to watch as the girls (most of them, anyway) experience for the first time what it feels like to be financially responsible and responsible in other ways too. They gain more control over their lives and improve their relationships.  They begin to determine what’s important to them and develop plans to achieve short and long term goals.

In Episode 10, I was struck by an exercise that Gail gave Princess Cortney. Cortney was not a regular princess; most of her spending was not on tanning, fake eyelashes, botox injections and special needs dogs like most of the others. Cortney did love the expensive nightlife and boutique shopping, but her real indulgence was sports and travel.  She kayaked, played basketball, did yoga, played beach volleyball, went rock climbing, when to the gym, played on a frisbee team and paid a lot of money to be apart of all of these activities. She always packed every day of the week with activities and almost never took a night off.

So one of Gail’s challenges was to cancel plans for one week and spend her free time at home. Partly this challenge was about saving money but it was even more about giving Cortney a chance to reflect and breathe and become more attuned to herself, so she could realize that it’s good for the soul (and the budget) to stay home and relax. When Gail brought up this challenge though, Cortney immediately became angry and questioned the relevancy of this challenge.

I don’t think Cortney is unique in this regard… there are a lot of people out there who are terrified of being alone. Being alone is difficult, but Gail’s right, it’s important to be alone in order to self-reflect and also to feel safe in one’s own skin.  Being alone can be scary because sometimes emotions come up that we’d rather ignore. Being alone without distractions is even harder – it’s tough to resist the noise from the TV or a steady stream of information and contact from the internet.  But sometimes reading a book, going for a walk, or doing a single activity at once – playing with your cat or dog, cooking a meal – can provide the kind of rest we’re really craving.

I love packing my schedule with new and interesting activities – rock climbing, yoga, concerts, workshops, dinners with friends, shopping.  And I love my job because it is very social. But time alone is also very important to me. It helps me feel calm and centred.  When I don’t have enough time to contemplate my life, to rest and to just take my time, I start to feel overwhelmed and exhausted.

Being alone also helps me to determine who I am, what I want, and assimilate what I’ve accomplished or what I want to do differently.  I develop thoughts and ideas. I enjoy listening to scientific talks online, reading blogs and books, meal planning, and gazing at magazine pictures for creative inspiration in different forms.  Being alone gives my brain a chance to work out ideas and problems, and I like that. I think it helps me to develop new and different parts of me, in a creative, intellectual, and spiritual sense. Just as different social experiences add to who you are, so can being alone.

Beauty close to home

I’m not sure why it’s taken me so long to start exploring the different trails in my city, but it has. After discovering the arboretum and booking a staff retreat hike at Starkey’s Hill, I ventured out for a Sunday trek on the Radius Trail. This path has a few different side trails which take you along the river and along some escarpment, but mostly this long path takes you through pine woods, which is refreshing change. I haven’t smelled pine needles in a long time. It smelled good, like winter.

Sometimes it’s hard to break out of routine. I’m a person who clings a lot to routine and I get a little unnerved when my routines are disrupted. This conflicts with my love for travel, adventure and spontaneity. You can see how these personality traits sometimes compete.  For the past year and a half or so I’ve been making more of an effort to break out of what I know and just explore, because experimenting is part of living a full life and it’s definitely necessary when you’re trying to meet new people and feel like you’re a part of a community. A recurring theme of this blog is to look a little deeper and go off the beaten path, because you’ll probably be surprised at how much goodness you find in your own backyard.

Here’s what I found in my back yard (or almost backyard – a 4 minute drive from my house.)

What exploring have you done lately?

An explorer in the world

I haven’t been blogging recently, partly because I’ve been suffering from a bit of writer’s block, and partly because I’ve been busy – not just too busy to blog, but also too busy to do many of the traditional frugal activities that I frequently blog about. But the busyness has been good. I’ve been busy at work, but with a variety of interesting activities – giving and attending skills building workshops and trainings, preparing for conferences, organizing a staff retreat, finishing up a social marketing campaign. And in my spare time, I’ve been out having dinners and discussions with friends, attending lectures and community workshops and spending time with family.  I’ve taken some steps towards completing my annual fun goals list. I’ve started climbing again, I went to see a band play that had a big cult following around here but was completely new to me, and I’ve started planning my Hawaii trip. I also have some tentative plans shaping up for New Years which might include several of my “outdoorsy” goals. And I’ve been participating in activities that aren’t on the list, but which would certainly qualify as new and interesting.  When I think back to how difficult my last year was, I recognize now that I’m feeling back in the game, that is the game of enjoying life and feeling alive again.

I don’t often write about my job, but I want to write about it tonight. I work for an AIDS Service Organization, running a program for HIV positive people that provides skills to improve overall health, foster community engagement and facilitate involvement in HIV prevention efforts. I’ve learned so much from the participants in this program.  As a former social researcher, with an educational background in social justice, I really thought I knew the world, but I didn’t. I can’t believe how much I feel awakened by learning about other peoples’ perspectives and life experiences. What it’s like to live with HIV, and the variety of experiences within that category. What it’s like to live with stigma. What it’s like to have an addiction. What it’s like to lose your children. What it’s like to live on the streets. What it’s like to be gay. What it’s like to live with homophobia. What it’s like to be discriminated against at the hospital, or at work, or by the government, or by your family, or by all of the above. Broadening my depth and breadth of knowing the world has been such a fulfilling experience.  It’s a real awakening, and I’m grateful to the people who have shared their experiences with me. I always wanted to work in this field because I thought it would help me make a difference. But I think it’s made me a better person.

What could we want more than just to know our world? I want to be an explorer in life. That’s why I studied Sociology, because I found the world around me fascinating. Its quirks and strangeness intrigued me and I found the eccentricities of every day social life endearing. I adored the mysteries and curiosities of social life and wished to know it better.  How lucky I am, then, that in the past year of this work, I have learned so very, very much.

So this is a note to say, unequivocally, that life is not about the acquisition of stuff. It is not even about the acquisition of knowledge. It is about exploration, adventure, understanding. It is about learning, growing, being touched by other people, discovering a richness to life, learning about compassion.  At this moment, I don’t care if my world view is different from the mainstream. I don’t care if I haven’t passed the milestones of marriage, children, home ownership, or a corporate ladder.  I’m learning about the world, the people in it, and what it means to be human.  What could be better than that?

Another “double rainbow”

Today I rushed out to my balcony to check out another beautiful, complete, double rainbow. I had to hold myself back from gushing, lest I get confused with double rainbow man.

It was so pretty, I had to share.  As I was watching, I noticed people walking to their cars or walking outside, their eyes focused on the pavement, completely missing the incredible things the sky was doing at that moment.  Truly, beauty is all around us, but it’s so easy to miss. It was just a reminder to awaken to what’s already here – to pay attention to the sky, the air, everything that surrounds us. We over-complicate our perfect world.  I don’t want to walk through this world asleep. I want to be awake, alert, and open to the miracles that every day life offers.

Butternut Squash and Caramelized Onion Pizza

This pizza is mouth-wateringly good! It is a must try. Unfortunately I have no pictures to share, as my only major light source in my condo died today, so there is not near enough light to take an adequate pictures of this scrumptious, crispy pizza. Take my word for it that it looks, smells, and tastes delicious.

To make this, you will need the ingredients for the dough (flour, salt, yeast, oil, water).  For the toppings, you will need one butternut squash, two onions, a little mozzarella or parmesan cheese, kosher salt, black pepper and olive oil.

Directions:

To make the crust, follow the instructions for the best ever pizza dough recipe at “A Peek Inside the Fishbowl.” This thin crust recipe is better than any of the others I’ve recommended before. I love a super thin, crunchy crust, so if you feel the same, you will have to try this recipe.  The key, I think, is not to add any sugar.  If you do add sugar, you will end up with a very different product.

For the toppings:

Roast a butternut squash, whole, on a baking tray at about 350 degrees. Use a fork to prick the skin to let steam escape. Keep it in the oven for at least 45 minutes, and turn it just once.  When you think it’s done, the skin should be blistering a bit, and you should be able to stick a fork into the squash easily.

In the meantime, caramelize your onions in a sauce pan with olive oil and a sprinkling of kosher salt. It will take at least 30 minutes, perhaps longer, at a very low heat to get the onions just right.

Remove from oven, slice once down the middle, and scoop out the seeds/stringy part.  Peel it using a kitchen peeler (if it’s done, the skin should be soft enough that you can almost peel it off with your fingers.)  Cut into very thin slices so you end up with half-moon shapes.

When your pizza crust is ready, dress with extra-virgin olive oil.  You could also try a garlic puree.  I found the simple olive oil to be very nice.

Lay a single layer of the squash slices on the pizza and then add the caramelized onions.  Sprinkle a generous pinch of kosher salt and black pepper, and top with a little shredded cheese. I used mozzarella but I think parmesan would be lovely also.  But whatever you use, don’t overdo it.  Let the taste of the squash and onions shine through. A light layer is perfect.

Bake for 12 minutes at 450, and then broil for another 2.  I also added 2 extra minutes of cooking time off the sheet pan, directly on the rack, in order to let the bottom of the crust crisp up. So tasty!

My top 10 “fun goals” for the year ahead

Last year at the start of September I wrote a post called, A New Season. Having just re-read it now, I remember once again how much has changed in the last year. Things are much easier now. That time of the year was so difficult for me, but I tried really hard to stay focused on what was good in my life and take advantage of everything around me that could bring me joy or nourishment.  I think that being creative helped me a lot – I was continually finding creative solutions to meet my needs on a ridiculously strict budget, but I was also applying creative thinking to my life, to identify different career paths and create different kinds of opportunities for myself.

I’ve worked hard this year and it has recently occurred to me that I have achieved pretty much everything I was working towards – I have a wonderful job, a cute and comfortable but affordable apartment, financial stability, and I feel that I have further integrated into my community. Rather than reaching towards the next big goal, I want to simply enjoy where I am at the moment, appreciate what I have worked for, and have fun. To me, having fun means to meet new people, try different things, laugh more often and simply enjoy life; I want to enjoy being single, healthy, and secure and take advantage of the opportunities that this affords me.  So I drafted some “fun goals” for the year. Many of them have to do with physical fitness as I am slightly fearful of winter and want to avoid the winter blahs by being active and taking advantage of fun winter sports, rather than hiding indoors.

So, here are my new goals for the year.  Because I believe goals need to be flexible (since circumstances and moods change,) any of these goals can be replaced by a similar goal if necessary.

1. Visit Hawaii
2. Go dog sledding
3. Go rockclimbing outdoors (currently I only climb indoors and my participation in this sport has been sporadic; come winter I want to climb more frequently and purchase the proper equipment so that next spring/summer I am confident and capable to do outdoor climbing.)
4. Investigate at least 5 bands that are new to me and see them perform live
5. Go snow-shoeing
6. Create a scavenger hunt with friends
7. Build a miniature wunderkammer (ideally I would love to build a cabinet of scientific curiosities but my budget isn’t built for it at the moment, so I might consider building a collection of curiosities documenting my travels and experiences.)
8. Go cross-country skiing
9. Explore a city that I’ve never been to before
10. Submit at least one proposal/article to a yoga magazine

On Friday a friend of mine joined me in spending the night gaming with people who were basically complete strangers. I’m not sure how to quantify that kind of random opportunity-taking, the kind of spirit that says, “why not?” and is whimsical enough to play games with people you don’t know, but I want to do even more of that kind of thing as well.

I’ve spent my life setting goals. Most of them have never materialized (if so I would already be married, have a phD, and be writing social policy in Ottawa or or New York City for the United Nations right now.) I’ve had ridiculously high standards for myself in the past and sometimes I’m skeptical of goal setting because it can overpower mindfulness, awareness and gratitude. But at the same time, I see how setting fun goals for me right now might be a great way to focus my attention on having more fun, and bringing adventure into my life again.

Do you have goals for the year ahead and do they involve having fun?

Saver Queen is two years old!

It’s my two year blogiversary!

Thank you to the kind readers who have supported me in my journey with your kind comments and your creative participation in these discussions on frugality, simplicity and sustainability.  I’ve appreciated so much the thoughtful words that you all have shared with me throughout the last two years.

My writing has taken me in a different place than originally anticipated. When I first started writing the blog, I thought I would be giving money saving tips to people struggling to live on a low income or trying to get out of debt. The blog morphed into so much more than that. It became a place for me to develop my own personal philosophy on what life is all about and on what makes me happy. It’s become much more personal.  It’s been a bit scary; my approach to life goes against the grain, or at least is in sharp contrast to the consumer-driven messages that proliferate in so many areas of our society, and I’ve at times been weary of what outsiders might think.  But I’ve slowly admitted to more and more friends and family members that I write this blog. For the first year or more I kept it a secret, not wanting to be stigmatized for my frugal practices.  As my writing has become more of who I am, and as I’ve seen an interest in the blog from people of various backgrounds, I’ve gradually developed more confidence in sharing my words with people beyond the niche frugal online subculture, the nest in which most of my readers reside.

I’ve ventured more and more into the practice of mindfulness, and I appreciate that I have so many readers who also share my passion for living mindfully in the present.  Many financial blogs out there tend to focus on more utilitarian or practical subjects, but mine has meandered into more abstract territory.  I’ve written a lot about mindfulness. In fact, I’ve added a new category called Mindfulness, to make these posts easier to find.

I get the feeling that my consistent readers share in the belief that at the root of the discussion around frugality is a conversation about what is important in life, and how to cultivate and nurture those things that are so important to us.  My readers seem to reiterate time and time again, that it is their families, their animals, the natural world around them, and simple habits or pleasures, that make life a joy to live.

There have been many conversations about the benefits of living simply. I’ve always maintained that a simple life can be a joyous one.  I’ve never said that money is sinful, or that rich people are unhappy or evil, or that money is irrelevant, because I don’t believe any of that.  I believe that money can provide choices and opportunities and freedoms.  I want to have money in my life, like all of us do.  What I have attempted to show in this blog instead, is that no matter where we are in life – whether we are rich, poor, alone or in good company, sick, healthy, content or restless, there is always, always, goodness to be found.  This journey in the last two years has been about seeking that goodness out, despite hardship and heart-break.  To ask, what good is in my world today? What beauty can be discovered?  Is there mystery, joy, excitement, pleasure to be found in this very day, this very moment?  The answer is always yes.

We spend a lot of time wanting, hoping, wishing, planning, setting goals.  A lot of those wants and wishes and goals have to do with money. In the blog, I try not to dismiss goal setting or planning or even wanting, but rather I attempt to place the attention back on today, back on the opportunity that presents itself for a rich, full life, with whatever we have today, whatever life has thrown at us, whatever money is in our pockets.

I also believe, like my readers, that frugality and environmental sustainability go hand in hand. I believe that conscious attention, placed on one’s habits and routines, can initiate more gentle, less harmful, ways of living.  Frugality is a perspective that values the earth by discouraging waste and honouring all resources as though they are precious.

How does one create a sustainable, joyous, frugal life? I believe that community-building is part of the process. I believe being creative is part of that process. I believe that being resourceful, re-purposing, DIY, bartering, and engaging with community organizations is all part of that process. Equally, gratitude is part of that process. And so is love.

Thank you, my readers! I look forward to continuing this journey with you.

Thrifted silver

I’ve been meaning to write a short post on thrifting for silver. Lately I’ve been thrifting for more silver and brass items and polishing them at home. They are easy to overlook at the thriftstore, because the items are so tarnished and dirty. But if you polish them, up, you can end up with some really pretty pieces at a great price. Try to look beyond the item’s original condition and consider what it would look like with a little TLC.  Just avoid any serious damage – if the item has really coroded or become green, it’s too far gone.

I’ve bought a number of vintage and modern silver pieces recently, my favourite being a set of bracelets.

Here’s the before picture (the one on the left has been partially cleaned, the rest are in their original state):

And the after:

Admittedly, these bracelets are probably just silver plated. They have no markings, and as Rick Harrison from Pawn Stars explains in the clip below, that probably means that they are not real silver. But I don’t mind, because the bracelets look stunning! I purchased this set of five bracelets for $2.99.

I’ve also purchased a beautiful silver plated tray for my candles for $2.99, an antique silver owl-shaped salt cellar for 50¢, and brass egg-shaped salt and pepper shakers for $1.

Here are some tips on how to identify real silver:

As a side note, Pawn Stars is a great show for lovers of antiques, collectibles and memorabilia and for people who like to thrift in general, because in addition to historical insight, the show provides useful information on how to identify quality and identify fakes and reproductions.